Sunday, January 1, 2017

Autism, Appreciation, and Anger

No one really appreciates something until they no longer have it, or they see someone without it.

Right now my son is hungry. My husband went to get him food, but it's taking longer than expected.

My son went and sat at the table, just as sweet as he can be. So patient. He never whines or cries or gets upset.

I write on a sheet of paper "Daddy getting food". I show him and say each word slowly while pointing to it. He points to "food".

I have no idea how much of that he understood. I think he probably pointed to food because he's hungry, but I could be completely wrong. Why am I crying when this is so small compared to everything we've been through and continue to go through? Because I can't even tell if I'm comforting my own baby.

He waits a few minutes, then gets down from the chair and goes to play with a smile on his face. You would think that would make me feel better, right? No. It breaks my heart how he deals with so much with patience, love and a smile on his face. Boog is seven. Seven years of this would make most children so angry, but not mine.

The next time your child asks you a question and you answer, or if you ask and he answers, you think dammit. You think how blessed you are. I don't care if they ask you the capital of every state and you're exhausted. ANSWER THEM.

I feel like a failure because I can't do what I am supposed to do!!!! I am so angry it is making me cry. I'm in the bathroom so he doesn't see me cry. It's not his fault. It's mine. Here I am with a way above average IQ and I can't do this simple thing. Hell, he might have understood what I wrote completely BUT I DONT KNOW. HE CANT TELL ME.

I want to bang my head against a brick wall because I can't be even close to 100% the mother he needs and deserves. But no. No brick wall and stitches for me. He needs me.

I will now dry my eyes and go back into the kitchen. Did you know if you swallow it can stop you from crying? If you ever see me with a bottle of water - sometimes I'm not thirsty.

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