Saturday, January 7, 2017

Blogging Four Years?

I was looking at a blog with some hot chocolate recipes earlier and noticed it hadn't been updated in about a year and a half. That's really common, actually, and I can totally see why. You start something with the best intentions and then you get busy and life gets in the way.

It made me wonder how long I'd been blogging so I checked. My first post was November 29, 2012. Over four years ago. Wow. I don't think I've kept up with any project that long. Not even close.

Then realization hit. Why do I see so many family, recipe or thrifty blogs just stop? Because things change. The family blogger had twins and hadn't even thought about blogging in two years. The recipe blogger wanted to lose weight so she no longer makes those really good three ingredient brownies. The thrifty blogger got a job and doesn't have to stress about money as much. It's absolutely understandable.

So why has this blog remained for so long?

Because Autism doesn't go away.

I may not blog for 3 months because I'm busy, or maybe it's because I'm just sick and tired of everything in our life being about Autism and the thought of blogging about it makes me wanna have a panic attack. But I come back. I have to write. I need to write. If I don't I can't move on. I also can't journal traditionally in a book because I'm sure I'd lose it or get mad and rip pages out and stomp on them. Really. I can get pretty pissed off for someone just a bit over five feet tall. Ask my husband.

So I come back with the good, the bad and the ugly. I promised myself I wouldn't delete posts and I don't. I think one day I will go back and read every post going forward to see how far we've come, but I don't know if I will. Maybe I don't want to relive the most painful time in my life thus far. After all, my very first blog post wasn't made on the day Boog was officially diagnosed with Autism. I remember the day very well, actually.

My first post was made in the afternoon. Earlier that day, my husband and I had an appointment with Boog's neurologist. Nothing had changed and all of his tests came back "normal". So what was the big deal with that day? I was sitting in a chair in one of the hospital rooms. Husband was across from me, holding Boog and keeping him busy while I talked with the doctor. He had a blank look on his face, but was trying so hard to look happy for little three year old Boog as he climbed all over his Daddy, happy as any three year old can be.

I had my hands in my lap, holding a shredded ball of Kleenex in my hand. So many tears had gone into it, it was falling apart. I had been falling apart more than the Kleenex. On November 29, 2012 I looked up with bloodshot tear-stained eyes and said "My son has Autism".

I had tried not to think of it, raged against it, then grieved the reality that it wasn't anything else. Nothing temporary we could fix with a pill. Autism.

My first blog post was the day I accepted Autism. I still hate it. I fight with it. I feel like it's a damn cloud that surrounds my brilliant son making everything so much harder to do. I go over and over everything I've done that could have caused it, I cry thinking maybe I could have prevented it, but one thing remains the same: It's Autism and it will never go away.

But here I am, still standing (most of the time?), still fighting, trying to come up with ideas that help Boog be as independent as possible and thanking God repeatedly for family and all those who have helped Boog so much over the last four years. Who knows, I may just quit blogging one day, but as of right now I'm staying. Staying for myself and in case this train-wreck that I call my brain may help someone somehow.

Screw Autism. It may be like a horrible neighbor that won't leave you alone, but I keep rebuilding that fence. I will never stop.

Let's end on a happy note, shall we? I came across this and thought it applied very well.

Happy New Year!!
-Boog's Mommy

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